My University League Table

University league tables have, for me, lost their edge. The frisson of excitement when they are published is gone. Even the momentary pleasure when a competing institution has slipped beneath another advancing Asian 'tiger university' has attenuated. It is for this reason that I am proposing to construct my own university league table. I set out below the 10 metrics I intend to use. I am not exactly clear for some of these which way is 'up', I leave that for you to decide.

Education: Ratio of degree programme titles in the prospectus to staff members to deliver it. 

Leadership: Average number of vice-chancellors per annum. 

Strategy: Number of references to league tables and MOOCs in university strategy. 

Student Satisfaction: Ratio of words 'neo-liberal' to 'sports facilities' in student newspaper. 

Teaching & Learning: Proportion of computer science students still completing their coursework at 3am on the day of submission. 

Global Orientation: Per capita income divided by size of national presidential palace (in meters squared) of countries in which they have international campuses. 

Reputation: Proportion of honorary degree holders that regularly appear on day-time television. 

Staff Development: Quality of coffee outlet nearest the mathematics department. 

Scholarship: Collective H-index of senior management team. 

Ambition: Ratio of length of nose of communications director to depth of pockets of finance director.