Advice to an Applicant

Thank you for your enquiry about graduate study at my institution. Perhaps it would be helpful if, before we proceed, you would consider the following advice.

While I am glad that you have had a lifelong interest in wireless networking, all my research is in software engineering. Perhaps you should direct further enquiries to the 'esteemed Dr Filkesteen' to whom your email was actually addressed.

I understand that you want to pursue research in computer science. It might be helpful in this context to learn how to format a Word document without using random spaces and tabs. Also perhaps, how to generate a pdf and use spell checking.

I appreciate that you have always wanted to study at UCL. It would naturally improve your chances if you remove the reference to Imperial College that search and replace missed in the second paragraph of your email.

I am sorry to hear that the death of your second cousin (twice-removed) affected your undergraduate studies so profoundly, and over such a lengthy period. It is difficult however, for us to show more consideration for this than your graduating institution did.

It is tricky to work out exactly what you are saying in the third paragraph of your email but I think the answer is 'no, we will not relax the English language requirement for admission'.

There are many similarities between the study of 'Catering and Hospitality' and that of computer science but the lack of any background in programming and mathematics may indeed prove an impediment in graduate studies.

A Microsoft Network Administrator certification is not equivalent to a degree in computer science.

Yes, I have received a message from your uncle, His Excellency the Ambassador, or rather, his secretary. Unfortunately however 'the foreign policy interests of the UK' will not be taken into account within the admissions process.

I doubt your lengthy catalogue of immigration offences will be overlooked by the UK Borders Agency because I write a letter. It is also unlikely that the Provost will intercede to shorten your current term of imprisonment.

I understand your surprise that the University levies fees for graduate study. You may wish to consider our programme of scholarships though, of course, applying one week before the beginning of term is something of an obstacle.

I am grateful that your mother took the time to write you such a generous reference. I think however that the admissions committee will have some difficulty taking it into account.

Should you wish, after having read this advice, to submit an application for graduate study you are most welcome. I realise that my failure to respond to the three pages of further questions you sent to me, and so many of my colleagues, within the stipulated six hours, may have been frustrating. I suspect that the time difference between our continents could have in part accounted for this.

Have you read the information for applicants on the university website. You have? Really? You are kidding me, right?