Adjusting Reality

You will have to stick with me on this.

Some time ago I was on holiday in Italy. Florence and the lakes, I am a Professor after all. This holiday required that I hire a car, which I did from a large hire car company. The plan was to pick up the car in Florence and eventually drop it off in, I think, Bergamo. The car was an unfamiliar French vehicle, long on rather eccentric style, short on utility. Nevertheless, it accommodated the family and our luggage.

Only one difficulty emerged, once I had switched on the radio, I could not, for the life of me, switch it off. Not very impressive for an engineer, but there it is. I could switch the volume down, to avoid the worst intrusions of Italian pop, but the bizarre arrangements for the car ignition, involving buttons and a smart card did not shut the radio down. The consequence is that the radio was on when I left the vehicle overnight. I sort of realised this was a problem but the car started reliably, and I was on holiday, so I ignored it.

Unfortunately, having arrived at the lakes, I decided to spend a day relaxing by the swimming pool at the hotel. The car, having then been left for two nights, would not start the next day. The battery was dead and it did not require a rocket scientist to work out why.

So, I called the hire car company. 'Could you send somebody to start the car and switch off the radio?' I asked, reasoning that I could then take it for a drive around the lake to recharge it. 'No' was the reply you must come to an office in the nearby lake town and obtain a replacement vehicle. There was no reasoning with the call centre, particularly given the language barrier, so I summoned a taxi and went to the hire car office. On arrival I explained my purpose and, after some paperwork and tapping of computer keys, having no equivalent vehicle they handed me the keys to a new smaller car that was unlikely to accommodate my family and luggage. I protested, in vain. They would not take the keys for the original vehicle because, of course, the breakdown service would require them when they came to collect it.

I returned to the hotel and shortly thereafter the breakdown service arrived. The mechanic started the car and explained, by way of hand gestures, that the car radio was now off and that I should not touch the relevant controls. All very sensible. He then departed, leaving me with the keys and instructions, again by way of hand gestures, to take the car for a drive to recharge the battery.

Now we come to the crux of the story. I have two hire cars and two sets of associated keys. The original vehicle and the scarcely adequate replacement. I decide to return the replacement vehicle and drove it to the hire car office. I placed the keys on the counter. 'Grazie', I said, 'but I do not require this key (and car) any longer'. An explanation was required, and was proffered. Incredulity. Disbelief. I simply -cannot- have two cars. It is impossible. 'Yes', I say, 'I do, look, here are two sets of keys'. I show them. Amazement. 'But you only have a contract for one car'. It is impossible ... and so on.

Eventually, a light goes on. 'Return the key for the original car, we will give it to the breakdown service'. 'No, I want that car, you can have the replacement car back'. Incomprehension. 'But you only have a contract for one car'. This could take some time. In fact, it has already taken some time. Car hire assistant succeeds car hire assistant, no one is able to understand. Finally, it is clear that the rent in space-time manifest by my possession, simultaneously, of two cars requires skills greater than those in the office to fix. I am however, lucky. Spoken in a voice of hush and reverence 'in an hour Flavio, from Milan, is expected'. I go off to have a cup of coffee, cappuccino, in the afternoon, that is how badly things are at a kilter today in this part of Italy.

When I return, Flavio is there. He exudes confidence. No problem is too large. When I explain however, he looks worried. He consults the bound process manuals. He stares at the computer screen.  It is clear that I can return neither car as my situation is ... impossible. Suddenly, he looks up, he has the solution. He will heal reality, so badly damaged by my reckless behaviour. By adjusting dates and times in the computer I will have had a sequence of cars, I will not ever have had two cars at the same time, all will be well. So databases are consulted, contracts are printed, signed and surrendered, and after a lengthy sequence, I return the car key. The world has been restored to a state of consistency with the car hire firm database whose status is equivalent to a physical law. I have the car I want and Flavio has asserted his mastery.

I think this calls for a caffè corretto.